Have you ever been chatting in a group and your mind has wandered for a moment, then you’ve stumbled awkwardly back into the conversation by asking about something that’s already been covered? (Or is that just me? 😝).

Maybe not, but it’s probably safe to say that we’ve all been on the receiving end of poor listening - talking to someone who interrupted, finished your sentences, glanced repeatedly at their phone or over your shoulder, or who barely looked up while they continued to bash out emails. Most would agree it’s not a good feeling.

Interestingly, a 2015 survey found that 96% of professionals think they listen well ‘all or most of the time’.

In the same survey, 98% said they regularly multitask, and almost 80% admitted to answering emails, responding to messages and reading the news whilst on conference calls. Hmm.

With the endless distractions, information overload and hyperconnectivity of today’s digital world, being a consistently great listener is not easy.

Listening is, however, a skill that you can improve with practice and discipline, and the benefits are far-reaching: stronger connections, healthier relationships, and greater trust, loyalty, clarity and understanding, to name a few.

And it probably goes without saying that the potential damage done by poor listening is equally far-reaching - it rapidly erodes trust, creates misunderstandings, amplifies conflict, impairs decision-making and makes people feel they are not valued. Ouch.

As a leader, great listening skills are one of the most powerful tools in your kit - in fact, they have the potential to make or break your success as a leader.

If you are keen to take your listening skills to a whole new level, read on - we’re about to do a deep-dive into what deep listening really means and some techniques you can use to do it well.

We’re going to cover:

What deep listening involves
How to listen deeply (using more than just your ears)
What you are listening for - the levels of listening
Common barriers to listening and how to overcome them

What is deep listening?

In a nutshell, deep listening is a whole-body-and-mind experience.

It means listening with your senses, mind, heart, and body, and listening not just for the words being said, but also for the underlying meaning and emotions, and what is not being said.

It starts with being present

If you are not fully present, chances are you are ‘listening’ to something other than the person talking to you, such as your mind chattering about other work activities you have on your plate, or background noise, or another conversation happening nearby.

How to listen deeply

At the beginning of my coaching career, I worked as a Learning Transfer Coach with Emma Weber. Through Emma’s company, Lever Transfer of Learning, I worked with many of Australia’s ASX-listed businesses and some global clients to support their leaders to transfer their learning from their training programs back into their daily work.

Emma, who is a fabulous coach, exceptional role model and gifted teacher, introduced me to the concept of ‘being listening’.

It might feel a little bit odd to think of listening as something you’re being, as opposed to something you’re doing. But I share this concept with you as it will help shift your understanding of what deep listening actually is.

Let’s start with the distinction between hearing and listening.

Hearing Vs Listening

If you are in the presence of another person when they are speaking, you will ‘hear’ what they are saying. Basically, that means the sounds of their words WILL go into your ears.

This is not the same as listening to those words though, is it? When you are listening – being present and alert and making an effort to process information and understand something – those sounds arrive in your ears and you use your mind to make meaning from what the other person is saying.

Hearing: the sound of words going into your ears
Listening: being present and alert and using your mind to process the information, understand and make meaning from what the other person is saying.

And there’s more.

‘Being’ listening

When we are ‘being listening’ we are not just listening with our ears.

We are also ‘listening’ with our eyes.

What can you see that adds more meaning to what they are saying? Maybe they look uncomfortable as they share something. Maybe they look relieved. Maybe they look animated. How does this add to what they are saying?

We are also listening with our hearts.

Remember the phrase ‘having a heart to heart’? Also known as a ‘D&M’ - a ‘deep and meaningful’ conversation - a ‘heart to heart’ is a close conversation where you have a meeting of hearts, not just minds.

When you are listening deeply, and taking in the feelings and emotions underlying the words, this level of conversation and discussion becomes possible. They are most often the conversations where ‘a-ha moments’ happen.

We are also listening with our bodies.

There are two elements to listening with your body. Let’s simply call them ‘external’ and ‘internal’.

External body listening

External body listening involves using your body to physically demonstrate that you are paying attention.

It’s well known that body language is a huge component of communication.

You are facing your team member in a relaxed and open pose – arms relaxed, shoulders down, limbs resting and not fidgety. You may lean forward slightly to show interest. You use your facial expressions (like a smile) or your body language (like a nod) to encourage your team member to speak more.

They will be able to see that your body is focused towards them. You may even find that when you are really tuned in to your team member, your body unconsciously starts to match (mirror) the gestures that your team member is making – they lean forward, you lean forward. (It’s fun ‘people watching’ in restaurants to see this happen. Some are ‘in sync’, some are not!)

Internal body listening

Internal body listening is where you are using the feelings inside your own body to add to your listening. Some might refer to this as ‘using your gut’.

If you think back through your own experience, you might recall situations where your body was telling you that something felt ‘right’, or perhaps felt ‘wrong’, even though there was no concrete evidence to support the feeling.

Listen internally to check for when your body and mind are in alignment (it sounds right and feels right, or sounds wrong and feels wrong) and for when there is a misalignment – it sounds right, but feels wrong, or vice versa.

This will enable you to listen more holistically (with your WHOLE body) and to dig deeper into the conversation to uncover the hidden meaning or emotions underlying the words.

Set yourself a challenge to notice your external and internal body listening over the next few days, and see what you discover.

What are you actually listening for?

To master deep listening, you need to be aware that there may be multiple elements or layers to what someone is communicating to you, and to fully understand, you need to listen for all of the elements.

These are often referred to as ‘levels of listening’.

There are many models of ‘listening levels’ out there. The one I’m going to share with you is one I learned at the Institute of Executive Coaching and Leadership. It’s my favourite as it is simple, effective, and most people relate easily to it.

Below is a diagram which sets out the different levels. Let’s visit each level one by one, starting from the outside layer.

Levels of listening

Listening level #1: Data

At this level, you are listening for the words and information the other person is sharing with you. This is the first and most basic level of listening.

Let’s imagine you have the following situation:

One of your team members, Jamie, approaches you with some concerns he has about another team member, Jo. Jamie wrote and circulated a paper on a project the team is working on and has just presented it at the project meeting. Jo raised five issues with the paper, and Jamie feels that she is being overly critical of his work. Nobody else had any comments on the paper.

You have a detailed conversation with Jamie about the situation. If you were listening only for the data and information, you might hear something like this:

• Jamie pre-circulated the paper then presented it at a project meeting.

• All the project team were in attendance.

• Jo identified five issues with the paper.

• None of the other project team members raised any issues with Jamie’s paper.

Listening level #2: Emotions

At the next level of listening you are listening for emotions. What are the person’s true feelings on this topic?

Even if they do not name their feelings, you may be able to pick these up through their tone of voice, pace or pitch (you can hear the emotion), and when you look hard you may also see some visual clues as to their feelings on this issue through facial expressions or body language (you can see the emotion).

You may also be able to sense the emotion – this is empathy – through your heart-to-heart connection (you can feel the emotion).

When you’re listening for emotion, you might ‘hear’ something like this:

• Jamie looks upset – you notice his facial expression and watery eyes.

• Jamie is talking quite quickly and loudly about the situation, with his hands on his hips.

• You sense a combination of embarrassment and frustration.

Listening level #3: Meaning

If you and I had a dollar for every time we’ve said or heard the phrase ‘I know that’s what I said, but that’s not what I meant!’, I’m sure we’d both be millionaires. What is said (data) and what is meant (meaning) can sometimes be very different.

When you are listening deeply, your job is to be a listening bloodhound, to try your best to sniff out the meaning behind the words.

Most of us do this unconsciously to a degree. Human beings are meaning-making machines; we like to make sense of stuff. And as leaders we have a responsibility to discover what our team members and others mean when they are speaking with us.

It’s not sufficient to say, ‘Yeah, I heard what you said’ – in other words, you listened to the words. You must strive for ‘I understand what you mean’.

Even better, you can check back with them to confirm you have the correct understanding:

‘Right Jamie, thanks for telling me about this issue. Can I just share back with you what I’m hearing so far and make sure that I really understand what you’re saying?’

When you do this well, they will feel truly heard by you. In my experience, these can be magical moments of deep connection. Continuing our conversation above, it may sound something like this:

‘Okay Jamie, so all the project team members were happy with your paper, except Jo. It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated that Jo would raise five issues with your paper, when everyone else is okay with it. And perhaps you’re feeling a little angry or embarrassed about the way Jo handled that in the meeting? Have I got that right?’

Listening level #4: The Unsaid

But wait, there’s more! One more level: the unsaid.

As I’m sure you’re gathering by now, I love a good metaphor, so here’s another one for you: the unsaid can be ‘the elephant in room’. You know when there’s a great big issue, maybe something controversial and fairly obvious, but all involved are studiously ignoring it?

You can sense the elephant circling the conversation, but nonetheless it doesn’t even get a mention. Not. One. Word.

When you feel there is an elephant in the room, it’s definitely on you as the leader to dig deeper and draw it out.

Or it may be an invisible elephant: you have a feeling that your team member is skirting around ‘something’ but you’re not sure what. Perhaps you sense that there is something more they want to say, but they are holding back.

Interestingly, the unsaid is not just about elephants. It can be about something that you expected to come up, but didn’t.

Listening for the unsaid requires you to be fully present and using your ears, eyes, heart and mind to deduce what’s missing from the conversation.

You might explore the unsaid with questions like:

• What have I not asked you yet, that I should ask?

• What else is relevant here?

• I get a sense there’s something else you’re concerned about here. What might that be?

Putting that in context might sound something like this:

You: ‘Jamie, I notice you’re quite upset about this. I’m feeling there’s something else underneath this situation that’s concerning you. What’s the key issue for you in this situation with Jo?’

Jamie: ‘Yeah, well it’s not that Jo raised issues with my paper – I’m fine with constructive criticism … it’s just that the way Jo did it in that meeting made me feel a bit humiliated, particularly as we’re on the same team. Why didn’t Jo just come and talk to me one-on-one about the issues before the meeting, so I could have resolved them beforehand?’

Bingo! Now you’ve got to the root cause of the issue and now you can work together to resolve it.

That’s the power of deep listening.

What might get in the way of deep listening?

There are several things that many of us do unconsciously that sabotage our ability to listen deeply. They deserve their own post (stay tuned!) but for now a quick summary is enough to paint a picture.

Listening barrier #1: interrupting or interjecting

Sometimes, and usually with the best of intentions, we jump in with comments, suggestions or our own experiences in our efforts to show empathy and understanding. It might look something like this:

Team member: ‘And so I was feeling — ’

You (interrupting): ‘Frustrated?’

Team member: ‘No. Actually, I was feeling disappointed.’

Or perhaps in your enthusiasm you jump in and take the conversation in another direction before the other person has said everything they want to say:

‘Speaking of project issues, we also need to have a chat about…’

To help avoid doing either of these, tune into the other person’s body language and facial expressions. Do they look like they’ve finished? Allow a few moments after the end of their sentence before adding anything.

And if you accidentally talk over them, just apologise and step back into silence and let them finish, or simply invite them to continue. ‘I’m sorry I interrupted you. Please, go on,’ is all it takes.

Also - and this can feel challenging at times - resist the urge to fill any silences. Give them the gift of space to think and formulate their thoughts. If you find this especially difficult, try counting to 10 very slowly before speaking.

Listening barrier #2: confirmation bias

Confirmation bias is our tendency to favour information that confirms or strengthens our own beliefs or values, and disregard (or place less value on) information that doesn’t.

It’s an information processing ‘glitch’ if you like, where we are filtering or sifting what we’re hearing to confirm what (we think) we already know.

The challenging thing about biases is that they can be unconscious - and when we are not aware we have them, they are hard to avoid.

So, what does confirmation bias mean for our listening?

Well, it means that when we’re listening, we can be unconsciously listening selectively. Our brains listen for information that confirms our own understanding or interpretation of events.

When we are aware of confirmation bias, we can actively challenge ourselves to also listen for new information, and particularly information that is contrary to our own views, and thereby hear the full picture.

We can even choose to directly ask for information that is contrary to our thoughts on a situation. For example, ‘Play devil’s advocate for me: what do you think is wrong with my idea/theory/conclusion?’

Listening barrier #3: making assumptions

You know what they say about assumptions, don’t you? ‘When you assume you make an ASS of U and ME!’ Have you ever been listening to someone explain an issue or experience and found yourself thinking …

• I know exactly where this is going.

• They’re saying that because …

• They’re feeling that way because …

So, while you may have physically heard 30% of the issue from your team member, you’ve filled the remaining 70% of your ‘understanding’ with your assumptions from your own experience or knowledge. Because you’ve been there. You’ve done that task. You’ve faced that challenge. You’ve overcome that problem before. And what they’re talking about is exactly the same as your situation in the past, right?

Well, no. No two situations are ever exactly the same. For starters, the people involved are completely different.

And therein lies the danger of making assumptions.

A follow-on risk of making assumptions about what someone is saying is that you stop listening and launch straight into giving advice:

‘Oh, when that happened to me, I did X and it worked. So, you should do X, too.’

To combat this, catch yourself when you start to think, ‘I know where this is heading’. Stop and just listen. Avoid jumping to conclusions until they have finished saying everything they want to say.

Try asking more questions to help your team member uncover all the different aspects of the situation, and then ask them questions to help them figure out some options to move forward (more on this in an upcoming blog post!).

Listening barrier #4: I’m too busy

Not having enough time is a common barrier to listening. In a previous post on presence, we looked at how to make sure you are in the right frame of mind to listen well.

To overcome this barrier, try sharing your intention explicitly. It might sound like this:

‘Hey Helen, I’m keen to discuss that with you, but I’m just about to go to another meeting and I don’t feel I’d be able to give you my full attention right now, I’m sorry. Would you be free at 4pm to talk this through with me fully?’

No-one ever says, ‘Oh gosh no, I’d rather you just listen half-heartedly now and then race off to your meeting before I’m done.’

By taking this approach, the messages you’re now sending are:

you’re important
your issues are important
I will make time so I can fully listen, understand and support you.

To summarise:

Listening is a skill you can improve with practise
‘Being’ listening involves listening with our ears, eyes, heart and body.
By deeply listening we can hear more than just data. We can also listen for emotions, meaning and even the unsaid.
Interrupting is a sign that you’re not listening. Instead, you are formulating and sharing your own thoughts.
Confirmation bias wires your brain to listen for what you already know and disregard information that doesn’t align with that.
Assumptions cloud our listening and block out the intended message.
Being in the right mindset to listen well is essential. Remove distractions so you can focus fully on the person in front of you.

Finally, take a moment to reflect:

Who listens to you really well?
What do they do?
And how does it make you feel?